Is it THE answer?

Is suicide really the answer? Does the misery honestly end when when death slips you out of the picture, or do you continue to feel what you were feeling in that same position for the rest of time?

Nothing Left To Lose.

I want to die, I want dead to slowly creep behind me and catch me off guard. I have been feel okay for the past few weeks but two nights ago I relapsed. I don’t want to believe it is because I have been unfaithful with the Monster ( Seroquel). I cannot breathe, I want to take a box cutter and rip open my chest. I can feel my lungs taking in the deep breath, but it feels like it’s stuck in my chest. I don’t care if I don’t make any sense right now because life isn’t making sense to me. Everyone is going against me, I have no one to come to my defense; except for my little razor. I don’t want to go back to my old ways because I know it will come back ten times worst. Help me…..God….anyone. Death where are you when you are actually wanted. So many people are in pain around me and it feels as if I am just sucking it all in for them. There isn’t anyone that will take in my pain for me. Maybe I am crazy? Nah, I can’t be. I swear these thoughts are my own. I just don’t know how to hush them, you know? Like, I’m fucking okay, right? I don’t know.  I DON’T FUCKING KNOW. No, I’m not, but in a way I am. I just want to die. That is the only problem, if I would just die everything would be okay. It would, yeah it would. No, it wouldn’t be. Fuck. I can’t handle this, I really can’t. I don’t even know what the fuck I am writing right now. I just know if I stop writing I will start doing something else, I don’t want to do it but my mind wants me to. I can I make my mind want do something else. Control. I want control, I want to control something and cutting is the only thing I can control. shit man when did things get so bad? All I can picture right now is my laying down bleeding and waiting for the warm sensation of death to creep onto me and take me away from myself. I am constantly fighting with myself. When will it end, when will I feel better? I am so tired of this, you now? It hurts a lot, and NO ONE FUCKING UNDERSTANDS. I am so pathetic, I really should just end it right now. I am tired of being alone, crying, and cutting. I want to be okay. I want to disappear into thin air. I want to go away…fly with the birds and float on fucking clouds. Oh, my this is unbearable. I am tired of being “strong” and if suicide makes me weak then I am a damn coward. I just want to shred my wrist apart and rip my veins out. I want to be at peace…with myself. At this point, I have nothing left to lose. Would you cry if I died or would you chuckle?
I want this flower in my cold lifeless hands. Yellow was my favorite color before I became this mess

Cut part 1.

I feel the intense need to cut right now. I physically need to cut, there this tingly feeling around my scars and as I try to ignore it, it intensifies.My scars are screaming for me to reopen them. It makes me want to cry, I want to cry. Everyone says, oh it is just in your head, just ignore it blah blah blah blah. If they knew what was in my head, they would cut themselves for me. The feeling will never go away until I cut. I tell them, when I cut I don’t cut to commit suicide, if it happens it is because the feeling wouldn’t go away. I will forever cut to make the feeling go away but a small part of me knows that, in order for it to go away I would have to go with it. This thought scares me, I wish I was afraid of death. I don’t want to kill myself because of my mom. I really don’t like the fact that I am living because of someone else. I want to live for me. I want to look forward to the “funs” that grandmas talk about, kids, and love. But no, I want to chase happiness with a blade that will dig my grave for me. I feel as if I should love myself, but it’s just so damn hard. God, I want to die.  This is painful, it hurts to write this down. I don’t know what to do right now, I don’t even know if should even continue to breathe. I just want to be happy. Yeah, pathetic but true. I don’t Know why I’m crying as if it will help. Cut ’til it stops, right? Even if it hits a vein don’t look back, that is what an old friend  told me. I wish I could just fly away or hide from myself, that would do me a lot of good.

I choose the latter.

I honestly want to die. I feel like I’m dying slowly and since I’m a punk when it comes to pain, I would like to end it before it gets physically painful. It so hard to watch my hands shake as if I’m naked in the Arctic while lifting a spoon to my mouth.

A list of symptoms:

1.Hand tremors

2. Fatigue

3. Drowsiness

4. Frequent use of the restroom

5 .Inability to sleep through the night

6. Muscle twitching

For the whole week I have been thinking about cutting my wrist vertically (that is the way you do it if you want to end it all). I just want to bleed out the way I’m most comfortable, which is cutting. While thinking about it I think of my mother that didn’t get to see me blossom into the piece of shit that I am. My father too. I don’t want to cause them pain. But, which is worst: me living in pain or not having to deal with anything anymore? I choose the latter.

* disclaimer; I’m not going to…I guess, who knows. But yeah, this little “disclaimer” is for my therapists.